Dei, I’m in Delhi lah…

The view from Terminal 3

Well, in the airport at least. I’m waiting for my flight to Nepal, where I’ll be for 19 days before going HOME!! About this time in 2009, I sat in an aeroplane and jotted down some thoughts right after my first year in KTJ. I’ve now just completed my first year at uni, and here’s what’s on my mind.

My results were released yesterday. I got a 2.i (second class upper). That’s good, and I’m happy about it. But I have to admit that there was a weeeny little sigh in my heart when I saw that I didn’t get a 1st.

Ok. I can imagine most of you wondering what’s gone wrong with my mind or whether I’m developing some serious ego issues. Getting a 2.1 for Law at Cambridge is quite awesome already. Many people would be overjoyed if they got a PASS for SPM Sejarah (History). Sitting in the country my great-grandfather left to seek a better "rezeki", I know it would have been beyond his wildest dreams that I'd be where I am today. James pointed out my lack of satisfaction when he observed that I didn’t “sound too enthusiastic” about my results. More directly, a 28-year old guy I chatted up at Heathrow Airport (who’d just started university) was really impressed when I answered his question about how I did in my exams.

So I’ve been thinking about why I didn’t feel fully satisfied. Was there something wrong with me? I've tried separating the “good” reasons from the possibly more “dodgy” ones:

1. Room for improvement
This one’s pretty basic. If you run a race and finish second, you’ll be happy, but something inside of you would long for the gold medal, at least for the next time round. So I guess you could call it a “good” reason, because it’s contentment without complacency; it’s fuel to keep moving forward.

2. Could, but didn’t
I don’t know my full break-down yet, but I’m pretty sure that it was the Tort paper that pulled me down. And that was a real bummer because I realised that I did way worse than I should have. For instance, I failed to recognise the main issue(s) in at least 2 (out of 4) questions. What’s worse, these omissions were on my “baby topics” – the ones I liked most and knew best. Also, unlike the other papers, I basically lost my calm and messed up my structure, timing and even forgot to write down entire parts of planned answers.

This too, is not a “bad” reason. I guess the dissatisfaction is a good incentive to keep calm and focused to the end. Tort was the final paper, and my mind was probably distracted by the looming “post-exam freedom”.

3. Expectations
I think this was a biggie. My coursemates in Corpus expected me to do pretty well. When I told one of them about my results, the immediate response was a long “awwww”, before the congratulations. At least two other friends reacted the same way. In fact, one had to call back a few hours later to apologise for not being more positive. I won’t be surprised if my supervisors would be slightly (even if only silently) disappointed.

I’m not saying this to blame them in any way, or to make them feel bad. I’m not saying it to put myself on a pedestal either. But I now realise that these expectations from other people had impacted me. First, it validated Reason #2: I wasn’t the only (perasan) person on the planet who thought I could do better. Secondly, and more importantly, it affected my self-esteem – or more crassly, my “ego”.

4. Ego/ security
This wasn’t something I thought about actively. But after digging deep and questioning my feelings, I think there was an “ego undercurrent” which influenced my own expectations. Maybe it was the desire to stand out from most of the others. Perhaps my pride had slowly grown fond of the compliments people gave, and therefore felt a need to justify this liking. Whatever the case, there was definitely an element of wanting to prove something, as if my worth depended on how well I performed academically.

But was this a good or “dodgy” reason for not feeling fully satisfied?

The controversial question
I think some people, especially in a place like Cambridge, would stand up and say that Reason #4 was perfectly reasonable and acceptable. If your strength is (and has pretty much always been) in academics, then exam-performance validates your identity – it verifies your intelligence. Also, your place in this university was on the basis of your academic ability. So any desire to prove this ability (especially if you were interviewed in KL, less stringently compared to those in campus) is only normal.

While this reason is understandable, I don’t think it’s desirable. Why should my sense of value come from how awesome I do in Tripos? First, 4 sets of 4 essays cannot truly measure the level of one’s intellectual ability. But even if it could, life is more than intellectual ability. At this point, I’m aware that I sound very much like Zhi Wei in his recent “rant on exams”. I’m also aware that some people have (mis)understood his article as an attempt to justify poor performance and find “backup” consolation. But that’s not what I’m doing. I’m just saying that it was cool to feel less than overjoyed about a 2.i for reasons #1-3, but not Reason #4.

Here’s why:
Any question concerning my sense of worth is basically about insecurity. Everyone has it, and we all rely on different things to keep us feeling valuable. These things can be family, romance, wealth, team-comradeship or personal achievements. The problem is, this insecurity is a bit of a black hole. And academic excellence is a poor filler for that. Even if I got a starred 1st and topped Tripos, my insecurity will not automatically vanish. Ask anyone who’s achieved anything impressive: the attainment leaves you feeling great about yourself, and very happy, but it doesn’t dissolve your need for validation. In fact, it probably worsens it in the long run, because you’re now under pressure to maintain the excellent trend.

The alternative
I’ll digress for a bit and state what I think should be the source for validation: relationships (rather than performance). It’s like the certainty that your mom and dad will still love you even if you mess up. It’s like the old saying: those who mind don’t matter, those who matter don’t mind.

Two texts I received from friends on the eve of results day exemplify this notion:

“whatever the result with Tort I will be proud of u 4 doing ur best”

“Hey good luck for your results. Don’t worry we’ll still be friends with you whatever grade you get haha”

So if you want to fill that black hole, it’s gonna be in relationships. Now lemme preach for just one sentence: I’ve learnt that the best filler for the God-shaped hole is Jesus ;)


Conclusion
Reasons #1-3 were cool: I had good reason to feel a wee bit frustrated, although I was generally pleased.

Reason #4 wasn’t cool: If validation arises from performance, that’s probably ego and pride. If it arises from relationships, that’s security.